This week I’m changing things up slightly and talking a bit about myself and what I’ve been struggling with for the last 5 years.
Rent free
Do you have things that end up living rent free in your head? I do, most of the time I don’t realise what the connection is to something, but there’s a reason why they’re sat there. Waiting for the other part of the matching pair to appear and join up. I don’t know why my brain knows to save these things, but they get filled away safely for future use.
I guess this is just one of the small, but beautiful things that I love about being a systems thinker.
Systems thinking is an approach to problem solving which takes in the big picture as well as the small elements of the problem.
Vocabulary is equitable
Confession, I didn’t realise that I was a systems thinker until this year. I knew I always see the big picture and the smaller parts, but I had no idea it was an actual thing or what that thing was called until this year.
A vocabulary is the most equitable and diverse thing that a human can have. Trust me, I worked that one out to my benefit in the last 10 years. It’s especially important when it comes to medical conditions. Before you have a vocabulary, you just know something is happening to you, but you don’t have the words to describe it. You might think you’re going mad, or if you say these things out loud, the medical profession will tell you you’re going mad. Yup, been there too.
So the thing that’s been living rent free in my head since last week was a podcast, The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet (there’s a link to it at the bottom). I rarely listen to it, but one last week jumped out at me. The Menopause Brain: Insights from Dr Lisa Mosconi on Cognitive Health and Hormones.
Yeah, I know, menopause is a hot topic, blah, blah, blah. I have two achievements unlocked that pretty much most of you will never unlock, going through the menopause twice - prematurely and surgically (they’re both different, I like to think of them as hard mode and baller mode).
The thing that fascinated me is that Dr Mosconi has just completed a clinical first. She’s the first person to study the impact of female hormones on the brain. Yes I know, you might be thinking that claim is bonkers, but it’s truly not. The impact of what hormones actually do to different parts of the body, especially the female body, hasn’t really been studied.
The study she completed was looking specifically at the impact of oestrogen on menopausal women’s brains. Largely looking at why women are twice more likely to get dementia and Alzheimer’s than men are. Genuinely fascinating.
However the thing that’s been living rent free in my head, is when she said that autism and ADHD can be triggered in menopausal women due to the depletion (or cessation of production) of oestrogen.
Hearing this was like the scene in Oppenheimer when the bomb is detonated. You see the blast of light, and then there’s silence. Then a few minutes later the sound wave catches up (the first time you see it you’ll jump, even if you were expecting it).
Backstory
Just over 10 years ago, I had a hysterectomy when I was 36. It triggered premature menopause (because the benign tumour I had removed had interrupted the blood supply to my ovaries). My hormones had been feeding the tumour, not my body. So I’d been running very low on hormones for years by the point I had the hysterectomy.
I got gaslit by my GP for something like 2 years about menopause symptoms, because “you didn’t have your ovaries removed, you’re not in premature menopause”. I had to take an article from the New England Journal of Medicine in to get them to take me seriously. Then paid for private consultation for HRT because they still wouldn’t prescribe it.
However, I kept saying that I didn’t think what I was feeling, emotionally, was depression. I kept trying to say that my hormones (or lack of them) were causing the problem.
I did finally find a GP at my surgery who’s around my age and incredibly empathetic. Getting an appointment with her is a nightmare wait, but always worth it.
The story doesn’t end there however.
About 5 years ago, I had to have both ovaries removed. It turns out I’m excellent at growing things that shouldn’t be there, in this case it was a cyst the size of an avocado growing on one of my ovaries. My gynaecologist said it was better to take both and avoid it happening again.
Surgical menopause is brutal. Even if you’re on HRT, and going through menopause, it’s really rather shit.
2019 was not the best year. I had 3 weeks work for the whole year. I survived by selling things I owned to pay bills. I had a breakdown in the October. I remember the Dr’s appointment. I was in floods of tears because I had food poisoning, but couldn’t afford to buy anything over the counter to stop myself from being ill. My GP, recognising that my hormones were off having a rave in a forest in Latvia, without me, forced me to take antidepressants because she couldn’t get me to see a menopause specialist quickly.
The financial problems I got myself into in 2019 I’m still dealing with today and it’s about as serious as it gets.
The thing nobody tells you about antidepressants is that they fuck with *all* your hormones, not just serotonin. Antidepressants exacerbate menopause symptoms. So I spend the pandemic unable to regulate my temperature, I was too hot when I needed to be cold and too cold when I needed to be hot. I also started drinking way too much alcohol. And I gained 80lbs.
My emotions have been all over the shop. The antidepressants made me feel nothing, I was so numb my body was shut off. When I finally weaned myself off them, I still felt hollow, but now with added emotions.
I’ve been living with a constant head above water > bobbing along > burn out cycle. Pretending to be someone I’m not so I’m palatable towards others, and if I’m brutally honest, it’s not sustainable.
Change is confusing
The reason why I’m giving you the back story here, is because for the last 5 years I’ve felt like something broke inside of me.
There were things I’ve noticed that I’d never noticed before, that are genuinely very frightening. So I’m going to list them out here in case anyone reading this recognises them too and wants the language to go talk to someone about them.
Difficult conversations I can’t do them. My body goes into fight or flight and I become paralysed. The feeling of paralysis is real. I feel stuck to a spot unable to speak and unable to move. Completely incapable of communication. I might have mentioned I’m in some serious financial difficulties, this is in part why (also not working a lot). Something I saw last week said “if I could let my brain know that fight or flight is meant to keep me alive, not stave off a difficult conversation.
Intrusive thoughts When my HRT dose is out of whack my brain’s catastrophising like it’s a psychological thriller that would give M Night Shyamalan a run for his money is off the charts. My brain will flick through worse case scenario to worse case scenario like it’s channel surfing at 3 in the morning. It’s incredibly frightening.
Money Management It’s less money management and more not able to budget beyond the basics. I can’t even exactly articulate how bad this is or shite it is because I can’t exactly see half the things I’m doing wrong.
Isolation God I wish I could make people see how bone crushingly lonely I am. On the few times I say that I am, all I get in return is people saying how lovely it must be*. It’s not. But I’m split between crippling social anxiety at the thought of going somewhere I don’t know anyone (and the burnout it causes post event) and talking way too much about things I find fascinating to the point where I can’t shut up (and the shame hangover that follows it).
*small tip, if someone tells you they’re lonely, responding this way will make the person feel even lonelier and crawl further into isolation.
Appearing unempathetic I have to physically remind myself to ask about other people. It used to come so easily to me, now I rely on them sharing information about themselves, it’s not that I’m not interested, I just don’t know how to ask anymore.
Social deafness I can’t hear the person talking to me in a loud room full of people. Maybe this is why I avoid socialising. I get so overwhelmed by it my batteries drain faster than
Talking at people I have so few conversations with actual human beings I end up talking at people. If I wang on for an eternity it’s usually because I feel comfortable around the person. But then I end up with a shame hangover (a shame over?!). I hear everything you say, but my brain is about 10 miles out in front, it takes a beat to back up and process what someone’s said.
Book snob I have little patience for reading work books from cover to cover. I also find I can’t really sit down and read a proper book without pausing to do something totally distracting. Audiobooks however? How else do you think I get all the shit done I need to get done but don’t really want to get done?
Repetition There’s no way I didn’t already love Anjunadeep, but if I need to get work done, the only way I’ll be able to do it is if I’ve got the 15 Anjunadeep albums playing one after the other on. I’m not even going to tell you how many times I’ve listened to the Discovery of Witches trilogy, each year. If something soothes me and stops my brain from spiralling, I’ll employ all tactics I have at my disposal.
Toast and Jam Sunday morning involves toast and jam, followed by a lazy lunchtime soak in the bath while listening to an audiobook. This micro routine is the only way I can get through the weekend, because (and I shit you not), it’s pretty much all I have to look forward to each weekend. Expensive Bon Maman strawberry jam, a freshly baked loaf of white from the village shop, coffee, while the bath fills up. Without this routine my weekend would be absolutely adrift and I’m panicking. Likewise, reading before I turn off the light at night. Walking Bertie for 30 minutes every morning is as much about as me as it is about him.
Bingewatch of the month I can’t watch live TV anymore. The effort required to plan out watching an entire evening of different things pushes me over the edge. So I’ll pick a series I’ve watched or never watched, and that’s me for several weeks. I’m totally OK with this.
Following the white rabbit. Look, I’ve always been able to do this, and any chance I’m given permission to do it I’m off faster than Road Runner (meep meep). But I just described myself as weird, skilled in rabbit holing and seeing the girl in the red dress, not as it turns out, hyper focused.
Side note here, yes I am aware I’ve just thrown in three pop(ish) culture references to literature, WB cartoons of the mid-20th century and an epic sci-fi film. You will work out that my ability to bounce from niche pop-culture film / tv references with bastardised film quotes is SO on brand for me.
It’s not a bandwagon
On one hand, you might think it’s yet another bandwagon to jump on (hey, I was on the menopause one before Davina made it “cool” and I still don’t see myself represented in the pink washing).
But, honestly until the start of May I 100% glossed over the ADHD diagnosis uptick that I was seeing. Why? Because I wasn’t seeing me in it. Even the influencers who were being diagnosed didn’t look anything like me from the way they described their symptoms.
But talking to other women who are ADHD or Autistic made me realise that maybe that could account for all the shit that’s happened.
But the biggie, was the mushroom cloud explosion that went off last week listening to that podcast.
So yes, I’m chasing a diagnosis.
Not for medication, but because I feel like I just exist in a world where other people get to live.
Because I’m in a constant state of burn out just to keep a roof over my head and my fur ball family fed.
Because I’m a sea of amazing ideas, but absolutely no follow through.
But here’s the thing, when you are paid to find patterns in things you can’t unsee patterns, even (and probably especially) when it involves yourself.
Evolution
So in an unperfect way, I’m organically evolving what I write about each week. I don’t want to say I’ll have a fixed schedule of doing something specific each week, because I know it’s going to place way too much pressure on myself, setting myself up for failure.
If I can get to a point where I’m writing a few of these way in advance I’ll add the schedule to an email so you know what’s coming.
But here are some of the themes I want to write about:
Transformation - the business kind, it’s complex and complicated, it’s chaotic and messy… it’s where all kinds of fun can be had.
Strategy - because I love the balletic dance of a good strategy.
Innovation - I’m very bored with the tech bro’s hot takes on tech, mine are usually slightly left field and can be hilarious
What does good look like - too many small and micro business owners get sucked into paying other people to do things for them, without knowing what good looks like for them. I’d like to help you get your noggins around how to identify good.
Things on repeat
I thought I’d share the things I’ve had on repeat, in one form or another, this week so you might enjoy them too.
Listening
The Conversation with Dr Lisa Moscow - Amanda de Cadenet
Anjunadeep Edition 497 - Blake.08
Currently on the second play of the day of this, it’s *chef’s kiss* perfect.
Live at Anjunadeep Explorations 2022 (DJ Mix) - Jody Wisternof & James Grant
I’ve listened to this so many times in the last two weeks on loop it’s become the soundtrack of my summer.
Movie Rock Playlist - curated by me
If you cut me down the middle musically, one side is deep house and the other is movie soundtracks, this is my curated list of rock tracks from a much longer movie soundtrack playlist.
Watching
The Fall Guy Controversial opinion, I think this is better than Barbie. I’m gutted it didn’t do as well at the box office. Gosling is PERFECTLY cast in this, his chemistry with Emily Blunt is 👌. I hope they do a second one because I need more Colt and Jody.
New Amsterdam the first half of season 1 was what got me through Fentanyl induced insomnia after the ovary removal surgery mentioned above. Sadly season 4 was a big slice of WTF? And unsurprisingly it got cancelled. Not gonna lie tho, epic crush on Ryan Eggold certainly made the whole thing fun to watch.
Reading
The Isle of Scilly Mysteries - Kate Rhodes there’s something about the way the characters are written in this book that really brings out the spicy emotions. Kate really creates characters you love, you empathise with and you want to punch in the face.
The Ministry of Time - Kaliane Bradley I could not stop thinking about this book after I’d finished it. It has quite a few Inception like head fucks in it that really stop you and make you go “what the fuuuuuhhhck?” But I like things that make me do that.
